A very important message from former President Abraham Lincoln:

Dear America,

I remember what I was doing on November 3rd, 18something-or-other… writing my acceptance speech:

Four score and seven beers ago, our forefathers who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name… The other night I tripped a nice continental drift divide. Mount St. Edelite. Leonard Bernstein. Leonid Breshnev, Lenny Bruce and Lester Bangs. Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, boom! You symbiotic, patriotic, slam, but neck, right? Right. It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.

…I forget the rest.  Something about dropkicking Iran into yesterday and righting the economy by drowning it in pennies courtesy of Abe Lincoln!

The most important thing to remember is to vote how Jesus would vote even though that may be tough this election year.  Jesus is very much for cutting capital gains taxes, but is against drilling in the ocean for fear that Atlantis might be found.  (You know, when George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and I would form a prayer chain, we were unstoppable which is why you now enjoy such luxuries such as indoor plumbing and Jimi Hendrix.)

So I recommend that you take into consideration that one candidate means unending war and the plotting of future wars with countries that don’t even exist yet, and a vote for the other candidate means that the clothes you own will be destroyed and replaced with rags of white flags from new government programs in order to ensure that all people have equal clothing.

Though I gotta say that it doesn’t really matter ’cause earth’s going to be destroyed on Decem…. whoops, gotta go.

PEACE!

-Abe

I probably should have felt guilty for telling a “kid with no arms” joke, but I didn’t because “kid with no arms” jokes are HILARIOUS! But that’s not the point of this diatribe.

The following weekend, one of the designers was walking down the street talking rather loudly with a friend about her fear of telling inappropriate jokes. The designer related my tale only to be rebuffed with, “SHHHH! The children in that house have no arms.” My co-worker wouldn’t have believed her friend had there not been, playing in the front yard, children with no arms.

What does this mean for the future of Curious America?  I don’t know.  Right now I’d just like to take the time to remember Jeremy.  Rest in peace, Jeremy… in your bed in Boulder.

Update: It’s with great sadness to let you all know that Abraham Lincoln passed away in his sleep last night. Doctors say it was alcohol poisoning. His nearly two hundred year old liver couldn’t take it anymore, grew teeth, and started eating all of his other organs. The doctor said it was the most painful way to go, but I like to think that Abe’s subconscious shrank down to miniature size and destroyed his liver before it had a chance to eat his heart. I’d like to think that but the doctor tells me the heart was eaten as well.

So here’s to Abe!
Let’s hope he’s up there in heaven right now ending slavery.